Father: How do you like going to school? Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too,but I’m not too keen on the time in-between!
What do you call a ghost’s mother and father?
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light
Q: Why did the banana go to the Dr?
A: Because it was not peeling well
A boy was at a public pool and the lifeguard blew his whistle and yelled “Hey quit peeing in the pool!” The boy replied “But everybody does it!” “Not from the diving board!!” shouted the lifeguard.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.
Q;Why was the computer so angry?
A:Because it had a chip on its shoulder.
Q:Why did the computer get glasses?
A:To improve its web sight
Q:Why did the computer sneeze?
A:It had a virus.
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A:It let out a little wine!
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A: Nothing, it just waved.
Q. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
A:They don’t have the guts.
“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out…. but I can usually sedate her with four or five doughnuts.”
My gym teacher told me to touch my toes. I said, “I don’t have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?”
Overweight blonde joke
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from skipping.”
Q: What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
A: Nachos Cheese
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick!
Blonde and monkeys
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?” “Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?” “Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.” “I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde, “but we had money left over, so now we’re going to Sea World.”
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please.” The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber!?”
They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Q: What is more amazing than a talking dog?
A: A spelling bee
Q: Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow
A: Every lunch it went back for seconds
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel
Q: What grows down when it grows up?
A: A goose
Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships!
Q; What washes up on small beaches
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