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Loving Discipline, Effective Discipline

The goal of loving discipline is to have your child behave because he wants to behave, not because he is afraid of you. For discipline to be effective, you need to have the right blend of predictability and flexibility.

The basic recipe for loving and effective discipline is:

1. Clear rules that everyone in the house understands. Do not allow your child to play ball in the kitchen if you know your spouse will tell him off for doing the same thing the next day.

2. Reasonable, age-appropriate consequences. This could be a short time-out for a toddler, or the temporary loss of a privilege for an older child.

3. Predictable results - Ensure your child knows what the consequences will be if he misbehaves, and stick to these consequences.

4. Flexibility – take the time to listen to your child’s point of view and be willing to discuss changes to your household rules and consequences if such changes are justified.

5. Most importantly – a lot of love!

When deciding on an appropriate discipline regime, the first thing you should consider is which misdemeanors you can deal with simply by ignoring them. A lot of poor behavior has its roots in attention seeking, and if you can ignore your child rather than disciplining him when he misbehaves, this will be very effective in the long run. Be sure to watch out for your child behaving well, and give him plenty of love and attention at these times.

Some misbehavior, because it is dangerous or can damage other people, or property, needs to be addressed more directly. Whenever it’s possible and safe to do so, give you child a warning – a kind but firm verbal reminder - so he has the opportunity to stop and change his behavior.

If after a warning the behavior continues, remain calm while disciplining your child. Make it very clear that the discipline relates to the behavior. Do not say things that directly attack your child, such as “You’re such a bad boy!” Rather, refer to the behavior, for instance, “It’s a shame you keep snatching from your sister, now you need to go and sit on the time-out chair.”

ALWAYS

• Stay calm when you discipline your child.
• Model the behavior you want your child to demonstrate. If you want him to be polite, be polite yourself. If you want him to listen to you, make sure you listen to him too.
• Make sure you remind your child that he is valued and loved, it is only his behavior, which is temporary, that you are not happy with.
• Follow through – if you say that a consequence will result, ensure it does.
• Spend more time and effort catching and rewarding positive behavior than disciplining your child for poor behavior.
• Minimize stressors in your child’s life and ensure you are providing a supportive, nurturing environment.
• Provide plenty of positive attention and positive reinforcement.

NEVER

• Hit out at your child in anger – if you feel you are getting close to doing this, ensure he is in a safe place and walk away from him.
• Expect your child to behave better than you do. If you don’t want him to hit, don’t hit. If you don’t want him to lose his temper, don’t lose yours.
• Make empty and frightening threats – of physical harm or abandonment for example.
• Humiliate your child or deliberately damage his self-esteem.
• Punish young children hours after they have misbehaved – they won’t link the two and it will be both cruel and ineffective

And finally, don’t have unrealistic expectations. Children need to test the limits and cannot be expected to be perfect at all times. Have age-appropriate expectations of your children.

Toddlers learn by trying things out in the physical world and do not understand that their actions can be dangerous or harmful. Children need plenty of affection and attention if they are to remain compliant and well behaved. Teenagers have to test the boundaries and try out new things in preparation for standing on their own two feet as adults.

All these stages mean that some of the behaviors that emerge will be somewhat inconvenient for you! Follow the tips of positive, loving discipline, expect yourself to be a good enough parent and expect your child to be a good enough child – no one is perfect.

By Cassie

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